"Only a Kiss", Harry Potter (Marauders), PG, Sirius/Remus.

[gorgeousnerd]

Title: Only a Kiss
Fandom: Harry Potter, Marauder-era
Rating: PG, no warnings
Length: One-shot, about 3000 words
Characters/pairings: Sirius/Remus, unrequited James/Lily

Summary: Remus confesses his feelings for Sirius at an awkward time for both of them.

Notes: The fic was a Christmas present years ago for a friend, and the title comes from "Mr. Brightside" by The Killers.


Only a Kiss
"Where is he?" Remus Lupin blurted as he entered the room he and three of his friends shared in Gryffindor Tower.

James Potter stopped snickering over a piece of parchment he was clutching and looked up. Remus was relieved to note that he was the only one in the room. “Who?”

Remus’s mind was whirling. “Who?” he asked incredulously.

James gave him an odd look. “I can’t tell you where anyone is unless I have a name.”

“Oh.” Just because his world was in disarray didn’t mean that everyone knew everything that was going on. “Um...”

“Well,” James laughed. “Someone must have done a number on you if you can’t even remember who you’re looking for.”

“I know who I’m looking for,” Remus replied with slight impatient. “I just...”

“It was Snape, wasn’t it?” James’s expression turned serious. “What did Snivellus do to you? Sirius and I have been planning...”

Remus’s face fell at Sirius’s name, and James trailed off.

“Sirius. Did he do something?”

Remus sat on his bed and put his face in his hands. “He didn’t do anything.”

James folded the parchment and stuffed it in his robes. “What did you do? Did you prank him? Good show! I didn’t think you had it in you, Moony!”

Remus shrugged away the hand that James enthusiastically clapped on his back. “I didn’t pull a prank on him. Are you sure you don’t know where he is?”

“I didn’t say I didn’t know,” James informed his depressed friend. Then, as he reached a realization, his grin reappeared. “You told him! I don’t believe it!”

“I didn’t...” Remus began, then cut off at James’s disbelieving look. “All right, I did.”

“Good for you, Moony! And here I thought you were going to suffer in silence until the knucklehead saw you wasting away.” He considered his friend’s emaciated form. “Not that it would be much different than usual...what did he say?”

Remus shook his head. “What do you think he said? Would I be looking for him if it turned out well?”

James considered this. “Maybe. He might have been so happy that he had to run off to tell the entire school. You know, stop a person in the hall, dance around a little bit, give them a ‘Remus Lupin is in love with me‘ badge, then run off to the next victim.”

An arched eyebrow conveyed what Remus thought of this suggestion, and James held up his hands. “It seems like something he’d do.”

“Well, he didn’t.” Remus ran a hand through his hair.

“What happened?”

Remus gave him a look of despair, but said nothing in response.

“Come on! You can’t hold out on me now! Just because you were so quiet about it before...”

“I was not quiet. I told you, didn’t I?”

“Only because I saw you doodling ‘Mr. Remus Black’ and various derivatives over and over on your notes. Now, spill.”

Remus rolled his eyes at this very inaccurate depiction of James’s discovery, but decided to let it go. “I owled him earlier to meet me out by the lake.”

“The lake!” James groaned. “Why the lake?”

“Are you going to let me tell this or not?”

“Sorry. Go ahead.”

“I waited there for...half an hour, I think. I had practiced what I’d wanted to say all last night, but he was late, so I got flustered. When he finally appeared, he was covered head to toe in ink...”

“Ah,” James nodded. “He went ahead with it after all. I wonder how Snivellus tweaked him this time.”

“You mean...never mind, I don’t want to know. He had ink all over him...well, except for his teeth, I remember thinking how bright they seemed when his skin was all black. He started talking about how he‘d topped himself this time and wouldn‘t James be pleased. Then I said I loved him.”

“What?” James’s eyes widened. “In the middle of his story?”

Remus hung his head. “Yes. In the middle of his story. He stopped, laughed at me, then asked if I was joking.”

He stopped, and James leaned forward. “Don’t tell me you said that you were joking.”

“No. I didn’t.”

There was a few moments of silence.

“Come on!” James urged. “What happened?”

Remus winced. “I kissed him.”

“You kissed him? Really?“ James barked out an incredulous laugh.

His friend procured his left hand. The back of it was covered in a streak of black. “Here’s where I wiped off my mouth, if you don’t believe me.“

James searched his face. “There’s still some on your lips.“

“Oh.“ Remus rubbed at his lips with the back of his right hand.

“Wow. I bet he lost it.” James sat back against his headboard.

“No. He just walked off.”

“Hmm.” James put his hands together in a thoughtful and diabolical manner. “I did see Sirius today. How long ago was this?”

“About three hours.”

James tilted his head slightly. “Three hours? What took you so long to come here?”

Remus gave a little smile. He wasn’t going to tell James that he had been crying for about two hours of that three hours, spent another half-hour in the library thinking, and then used another half-hour looking for him. He had to save some face if only to feel better.

He looked down at the floor and frowned, trying to think of something plausible to say. Maybe that he fell asleep? No, that would be an obvious lie. His frown deepened when he saw a black boot print on the floorboards. He stood, moved over to Sirius’s bed, and looked on the floor next to it.

“Moony? What’s wrong?”

“When was Sirius here?”

“What?”

He bent over and picked up a dirty rag from the floor. He held it so James could see it. “When was he here last?”

James looked at it for a moment, then shrugged. “Could have been any time. I just got here a half-hour ago myself.”

“Do you have the Map?”

“Sorry. Sirius borrowed it before breakfast this morning.”

Remus nodded. “Fine. I’ve wasted enough time here.”

“You want me to let him know you were looking for him?”

“No!” Remus cleared his throat. “Um, no, just tell him to wait here.”

He exited the room with a little more hurry than he had entered it.

--

James sat back on his bed, pulling out the piece of parchment again and looking it over solemnly. He waited a beat, then spoke without looking up.

“He’s gone, you know.”

There was no reply.

“Nice try, Pads, you can’t fool me.”

James’s invisibility cloak slid away from the space next to Sirius’s bed where Remus had been standing mere moments earlier, and a very dirty teenaged boy appeared. “I should have known you had the Marauders’ Map. You didn‘t give it to me.”

With a grin, James waved the parchment in his hand around. “Yeah, I have it, but I knew you were in here the minute I entered. Have you ever considered breathing through your nose? It’s quieter than panting like a dog.”

“You think he knew?”

“That you were here?”

“No, that you like wearing Evans’s makeup when you think no one’s looking.”

James scowled. “I thought we weren’t going to talk about that again!”

Sirius flashed him a wicked grin. “I think I may have to let it slip to Peter when I talk to him next. But don’t worry. I may not be good at keeping a secret, but old Wormy would never tell a soul.”

“Stuff it, Black,” James spat. “What did I do to you?”

“You’re a slimy bastard, for starters. You’re also a slobbering, feces-eating git. Shall I continue? I have many other names involving ‘hairy’ and ‘wanker’ that I’m particularly fond of.“

“Besides that,” James replied impatiently. “Tell me something I don’t know.”

“You never said a word about Remus to me.”

James made a rude noise. “I say words to you about Remus every day. What was it I said yesterday? Oh yeah. ‘Remus wants his History of Magic notes back, you stupid bugger.’”

“How long have you known, Prongs? Did he really write ‘Mr. Remus Black’ in his notes?”

“Don’t be an idiot. I noticed that he was looking all dreamy in your direction a few weeks ago and pressed him about it.”

Sirius looked incredulous. “He was looking dreamy in my direction.”

“Yeah. I thought he had indigestion, so I offered him a charm to help until he could get something from the infirmary.”

“Only you would mistake love for indigestion.“ He sat on his bed. “No wonder Evans won’t give you the time of day...or night, or afternoon, for that matter. She probably thinks you’re feeling sick to your stomach.”

“This isn’t about me and Evans,” James said a little too loudly. “This is about you and Moony.”

Sirius sighed. “What do you think I should do?”

“Decide how you feel first,” James suggested sagely. “Then go from there.”

“That‘s helpful, thank you, Dr. Potter. Should I owl you my payment in installments or get my galleons now?”

“Do you know how you feel?”

He shook his head. “It never occurred to me that one of my best friends could be gay, much less in love with me. He’s had weeks, months, maybe years to think about it. I’m supposed to make a decision in a few hours?”

James nodded. “Yeah. You are such a liar.”

“I didn‘t say anything that was lie-worthy.”

“That may be true, Pads, my lad, but I know that you’ve already made your decision.”

“And how would you know this?”

“You’re too obvious. You’re just trying to throw me off so I don’t run off and tell Moony what you’re thinking.”

Sirius laughed. “And you know what I’m thinking?”

“No. But you don’t know that. I could be lying to throw you off so I can run off to Moony.”

“Assuming that you’re right and I do know how I feel, and I’m not saying I do, but what do you think I should do?”

“Do what Moony did.”

“Stew about it for months and months until I say it at an inappropriate point in our conversation? Seems inefficient, but it could work.”

“No. Tell him how you feel. Stringing him along with false or genuine hope, or even false or genuine misery, is going to make him unhappy. He’s been stewing for hours now, probably thinking about what he did wrong and how you hate him. If you were casual about it, he’d get confused and he doesn’t deserve that. If you ignored him, he would really think you hated him, and he doesn‘t deserve that, either.”

Sirius stared at James during this speech, then burst out laughing when he’d finished.

“What’s so funny?”

“Just that you seem so sure about this. I would never have guessed it with the way you and Evans...”

James chuckled. “I think it’s something about not being in the situation. It makes it a lot easier to give advice if you don‘t have to do it.”

“I hate to say it,” Sirius said after a few minutes of contemplation. “But you’re right.”

“It had to happen some time, didn’t it?”

“You were due.” He nodded. “I’d better go find him.”

“I think you should wait.”

“You just told me to tell him. Is today Backward Day and I didn‘t know? That would explain Moony‘s behavior.”

“It’s not that.” James pointed out the window at the setting sun. “Full moon tonight, remember?”

Sirius swore under his breath. “Talk about bad timing.”

“On Remus’s part or on the moon’s part?”

“Both.”

--

The first thing Remus thought when he was human again was that he had terrible timing. Okay, it was actually that going from human to wolf to human again never got any less painful, but that was normal. His first atypical thought was that he should have picked a better time to confess his undying love for his best friend.

When he was a wolf once a month, there was always a little, subconscious part of him that dwelled on his human thoughts. He didn’t often think about it because he wasn’t in a place where he could stop thinking about it and it wasn’t often that he remembered thinking or what he thought about. The fact that he knew immediately what he thought about was a big indicator of how bothered he was.

He was shivering on the floor of the Shrieking Shack in a fetal position. This was normal. He never changed with clothes on because he didn’t like ruining his robes, and his family couldn’t afford to replace them once a month anyway. Even if he had the clothes, they would be in shreds and wouldn’t provide any warmth. Even if it was the middle of summer, he would be shivering. It was just the way it was.

Moisture on the floor next to him caught his gaze, and he moved a trembling hand to touch it. It was warm. He touched his face, and it was wet. This was new. He never had any sort of emotional response right after the change. Usually, he switched his thoughts from wolf to human for an hour or so. He didn’t feel particularly sad at the moment. Maybe he had allergies.

He rolled onto his back. It was a much more comfortable position to withstand the tremors, even if he wasn’t any warmer. He closed his eyes as he shivered, willing it to pass. He wasn’t in the mood for introspection. He wanted to be able to get up, get dressed, and go back to Hogwarts. He wanted to sleep or eat or do what the other boys did. He didn’t want to go to the nurse to get a pain potion or fantasize about his best friend. Unfortunately, life didn’t seem to much care about what he wanted.

A blanket fell onto his naked body, and the soft material felt so warm and nice that his body jerked in response. He didn’t care. It was a nice change to have something warm and comfortable. It even smelled like him.

“How long have you been here?” he asked.

“Most of the night,” Sirius’s voice told him.

“I thought we were lying low for a while.”

Sirius appeared at his feet. He was sitting cross-legged, looking at Remus almost quizzically.

“We didn’t go anywhere. You stayed in here all night, and I slept outside the door. It was much nicer than being in the dorm. You snarling is way quieter than Prongs’s snoring, and I’m getting tired of hearing Peter mumble about dancing snakes or whatever he’s talking about.”

“So, Peter and James stayed at the school?”

Sirius gave him a sideways smile. “We’re trying to lay low, remember?”

“What are you doing here, then?” Despite the fact that he felt a little weird around Sirius, it was nice having someone to talk to.

“James suggested that I don’t leave you dangling about...about what you said yesterday.” He frowned. “This probably isn’t the best time. I should go.”

“Don’t go,” Remus asked, his voice sounding weaker than he’d wanted. His body tensed in painful convulsions, and he gasped as quietly as he could manage.

Sirius moved to Remus’s left. “Are you all right? Do you need to go to the Hospital Wing?”

Remus bit his lip until the convulsions stopped. He tasted blood, but that was no surprise. “No, it’ll get better. Just talk to me. Tell me what you wanted to say.”

“It doesn’t seem right...”

“I’ll be thinking about it for longer if you don’t.” He looked into Sirius’s eyes. They were like the blanket, warm and comfortable. “And don't let my...my vulnerable state deter you from telling the truth.”

“Yeah, okay.” Sirius nodded. “I don’t know how to put this.”

Another wave of pain hit Remus. It seemed worse than usual. Maybe it was because he was under stress. “Please, just say it,” he asked through gritted teeth.

“I never thought you were gay. I actually said that to James. I never would have guessed in a hundred years that you would have a crush on me.”

“That’s because you’re thick,” Remus teased quietly. He could tell that Sirius was uncomfortable with such a serious conversation.

Sirius laughed. It was shaky, but genuine. “You’re right. It also never occurred to me that I could be gay, too.”

“Maybe you’re thinking of it wrong. Maybe it isn’t gay or straight, maybe it’s just who you’re attracted to.”

“Isn’t that the same thing?”

Remus smiled. “Yeah, I guess it is. Go on.”

“I...” He laughed. “I hate that I’m doing this when you’re so...”

“Don’t worry about it,” Remus interrupted. “It’s not a big deal. I do this twelve times a year, sometimes thirteen, I have nearly gotten killed more times than I can count, a little emotional...”

“I think I love you.”

This was not what Remus expected to hear. “What? You aren‘t just saying that to make me feel better?”

Sirius leaned forward and kissed Remus. It was much more gentle than he had expected from his exuberant friend, gentle and tender. He felt his eyes start to water again, and he hated himself for it, but he didn’t much care.

“Thank you,” he whispered once Sirius pulled away. “Can I ask you a favor?”

“As long as I don’t have to dance naked in front of Snape, sure.”

“I think I’m about to pass out, so I need you to take me to the Hospital Wing. And when I wake up, you need to feed me so many Chocolate Frogs that I'll feel like I’ll vomit all over the place. You think you can do that?”

Sirius smiled very slightly. “I think I can manage. Does it have to be Chocolate Frogs, or will a big chunk of Honeydukes chocolate work?”

“As long as it’s rich and chocolate-y, I’ll eat it.”

That said, Remus sunk into a dark oblivion. For once, it didn’t hurt to be there.